It Doesn't Mean Anything Without You
by Water Fairy a.k.a. Mizu
Summary: "If you're not there…if it's not with you…then it's meaningless to me. I want to swim with you." – Makoto Tachibana, High Speed! (Warning: Character Death) 3-shot
1. White Blossoms

**1. White Blossom**

He didn't know when the numbness had started. Was it before they had come to pick him up? Or was it after? Or maybe it had started long before, when the waves were beating at his arms struggling to bear both of their weights. But it didn't matter where the numb came from. He wouldn't have it any other way. Because, if he felt something, if his grief came out, he would cry and, by cry, he meant wail and scream and curse the very water that he so often longed for. He would break his usual composure because one of the most important things, if maybe not _the_ most important, in his life was taken from him by the very thing that he so loved.

The raging numbness wasn't like this when his grandmother had died, but then again, Haruka understood why. His grandmother, a confident and kind woman, had been old and it was expected for her to die sooner or later. But _him_…_he_ wasn't supposed to die. Not now. Not before the regional tournament, not when he had _just_ figured out what he looked for in his swimming. It wasn't fair. _It wasn't fair._ If he wasn't numb, Haruka would have pounded his fists against the casket, demanding _him_ to answer why, _why_ did he have to die now of all times? But the numbness let him keep that in, let him appear as if he was unaffected, that same aloof child he was before. Because everything right now reminded Haruka of _him._ The way his suit sat on his arms, the sleeves just a little too long reminded him of _him_ with his tall frame and long arms and legs. The way the sun shone just softly enough and the cool breeze played with his hair was like _his_ gentle smile. Even the white flowers in his hands, some kind of rose or maybe even lily (Haruka had no idea about botany), reminded him of _his_ tender care. The white petals looked too perfect, too soft, and Haruka tightened his jaw.

He had to stay numb. That was the only way he'd get through this.

Just past where he was standing with _his_ family, he could see the rest of the Iwatobi High Swim Club…and then farther past them, he could see people from their old middle and elementary schools. There were a lot of people there, but if any were making noise, his numbness wouldn't let him hear. Each face was like a smudge, only colors really designating who each people was. Gou's crimson hair made her distinctive, especially when paired with Nagisa's blonde curls and Rei's tall figure, but other people…they were just smudges of gray and black and white. And Haruka didn't care that he couldn't tell them apart. Because it wasn't _fair_. It just _wasn't_.

Someone was talking because he could hear a faint murmur and then he was being moved forward by the small hand holding his tightly. The casket, looking way too big for the person in it, was just a few feet away, the incense around it making his throat scratchy and his nose itchy the closer they got to it. A sudden desire to be anywhere but here surged in his chest like an angry tide and the only thing holding him in place was the hand in his. He didn't want to do this, but if he left…especially now… The numbness was waning, but he couldn't, just _couldn't,_ let it go away. Because Haruka could feel the buildup of emotions in his throat and if he let those go…he didn't even know what would happen.

Three feet now. His hands felt clammy all of a sudden and he wasn't even sure why. The small hand in his tightened, trembling, and he tried to give a squeeze back. He wasn't really sure he did though.

Two feet. He could just see _his_ face and his throat was closing up. Too close. He was too close. Why had they let him be one of the close family members? He could feel the numbness racing away, like the seawater before a tidal wave.

One foot. _His_ face was visible, crowned by the white flowers. Haruka's breathing was becoming labored.

Haruka stood in front of the casket, the little hand in his hand shaking terribly. He stared at the face that he knew so well, cherished so much. His arm moved mechanically, placing the white flower among the others. It looked wrong. _He_ looked wrong. Even when _he_ slept there was always a faint trace of that small smile. There wasn't any here now. That face was too stiff, too emotionless. His fingers lingered longer than necessarily over that impassive face before limply falling to his side. A sick sense of pride filled his stomach as the small hand led him away. He hadn't broken down. He hadn't exploded. The racing tidal wave of numbness had returned with no more force than a gentle lap after a storm. He was still intact, still whole, still _him._

But as he sat down in that dreaded place next to _his_ family, Haruka finally noticed that his face was dreadfully wet. Usually, he didn't mind being wet; after all, _he_ always had to pull him out of the water. This wetness, though, was unwanted. It was too warm, too salty, not at all like the warmth and salinity of the ocean. This water made his eyes hurt, made his cheeks feel inflamed. Even his nose felt weird and Haruka pressed his free hand to his mouth. He was supposed to be _numb_.

_It wasn't fair._

* * *

The days after _that event_, which he still refused to call it what is was, were horrible and draining. Haruka forced himself to go to school, knowing that _he_ would be upset if he didn't go, but nothing made sense. Ms. Amakata's voice was just a drone and even Nagisa's attempt to get him to swim was little more than a fly's buzz. Swimming didn't appeal to him. Water didn't appeal to him. How could he enjoy it after what happened? But he still sat and watched as Nagisa and Rei swam in the pool and listened to Gou's training regime, but they all knew there was no possible way they could swim in the regionals. Not without…

He didn't know how long this mindset even persisted. Days? Weeks? Months? Was it summer now? Or fall? Everything was a blur. Each day was like the last. Nothing was spectacular. It was like he had perpetually sunk into that numbness. There was an infinite vastness to this emptiness and all he could really tell was that _he_ was gone. Time was no longer a thing to him. Eating, sleeping, bathing, all of it was rote and mechanical. Even club was a routine that he didn't enjoy nor despise. He just went and sat off to the side, blank eyes staring at the pool as it glittered innocently in the sunlight. He wanted to blame it, wanted to hate it, but it just called to him and he hated that, but didn't.

Fingers knotted in his hair and Haruka felt the pained gasp leave his mouth before he heard it. How many times had he found himself curled up like this? His fingers shook as he extracted them from his hair and he wasn't surprised to find that the rest of the club was gone. They had learned fast not to bother him when that happened, the crazed, haunted look on his face scarier than anything they had expected. The first few times, Nagisa had been immediately by his side, panicked cries echoing dully in his ears, but when he saw his face, the horrified look dissolved into something like pity. Haruka hated it, but he couldn't blame him. He didn't blame anyone. He wanted to, though. He wanted to put blame on someone.

So Haruka told himself it was his fault.

If he had been there…if he had been faster…if he had just said no…then that wouldn't have happened. _He_ would still be here and the numbness would be gone and the sun would be brighter and warmer and not dull and gray. However, _he_ wasn't here, not anymore, so everything was just so much grayer. It was like fog constantly flooded his eyes, blurring the space in front of him and making him feel empty and cold. Sometimes he wondered if he should still feel this way. It had been weeks, right? Or was it months? Days? Hours?

Footsteps. He heard footsteps. For one delirious moment, he thought it was _him_, but the pants and shoes weren't _his_, especially considering the black and red trainers on the feet of the visitor. Slowly, like a rusty automaton, Haruka lifted his head and mixed feelings burst in his chest for the first time in a long (short?) time. Even though the feelings were so complicated, too much for his drab state, they were warm, in that novel way which bittersweet things were. He waited to see if the other would speak or if he was required to do so. When was the last time he talked?

"Haru." The voice wasn't _his_ either, deeper, rougher, reminding him of challenging deep waters and mysteries to solve. Haruka's head slowly sunk down until he was again looking at those trainers. There was a harrumph, an agitated sound and the trainers shifted. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing." His voice sounded foreign to his ears. Had it always been so soft?

There was an irritated twitch and the trainers shifted again. "I can see that."

There wasn't anything after that. Haruka was too drained to speak, flashbacks of that race coming back, and then the relay and then afterwards and then _the event_ and he couldn't deal with it, not all at once, not now, not here, and his hands were clasping his head, trying to keep the emotions in and the numbness together. Tremors were shaking his body, or must have been, because somewhat larger and more calloused fingers were suddenly over top of his and his wide eyes were staring at uncharacteristically kind ones. Tears welled unbidden. It wasn't fair that he got to look like that after telling him that he would never swim with him again.

_It wasn't fair_.

Just as Haruka was about to pull away, he began speaking in a low voice, sounding almost pained, "Look at yourself, Haru. You've got bags under your eyes and you looked like you haven't eaten a decent thing in forever. Not since-."

He stopped and the pain in his voice flooded his face for a moment, then it was gone. In truth, Haruka hadn't really been eating. Everything he did eat tasted like cardboard. _His_ mother was nice enough to give him leftovers, but Haruka had a suspicion that the food given to him was actually _his_ share. He would have not touched it, but _he_ would be upset if he didn't. But everything just…didn't taste right. Not even mackerel.

"You look pale, too," the person was continuing now, having gotten over whatever from before. His eyes still looked unrealistically kind. It wasn't fair. "Have you _even_ been taking care of yourself? Really. What would Ma-."

"_What are you doing here, Rin_?" Haruka couldn't let him say _his_ name. He couldn't let the emotions out. Not here, not in front of Rin of all people.

_It wasn't fair._

The calloused hands didn't leave his and it was then that he remembered he was still in his almost fetal position. Weakly, stiffly, jerkily, he maneuvered so that his hands were lying in his lap, loosely wrapped around each other. Rin's hands went to his own arms, where they lay crossed over his knees. It was strange seeing Rin here at their little pool which they had cleaned and made presentable by their own hands. Rin, with his fancy academy uniform, all black and sleek, like a shark or, and Haruka actually twitched a little, an orca. Against the rest of his grayed world, the color was striking, too black, too dark, almost like a hole, made even more noticeable because of the hole in his chest.

His throat was rough, dry, like the cracked desert starving for rain. Everything felt shriveled and Rin still sat there without answering, crimson eyes watching him silently. Haruka felt like prey, but he didn't care, not really, because dolphins could easily defeat a shark…right? They bashed them with their skulls and the shark was seriously wounded then and orcas-. He stopped himself. That was getting too close to _him_.

"How long have you been like this?" Rin's voice sounded weird, like he was trying to keep something inside.

If he wasn't so numb, Haruka might have smirked. It sounded like Rin was trying not to cry. The redhead had always been a crybaby.

"I don't know." And he didn't. What was time when _he_ was gone? He just barely managed to get whatever done on time. He didn't even know about his schoolwork. He might have written mackerel for something in math.

"Haru, it's been _weeks_," the intruder sighed, sounding too friendly, too caring. "It's summer vacation. It's almost _over_ actually."

Oh, yeah. They had had exams, hadn't they? That's why Haruka had to keep going to school for a while more. He had had supplementary lessons. Did he even pass those? _He_ would have made sure that he would have passed them.

Oh. If it was summer vacation, then regionals…

Well, they weren't going to go to them anyway. Not without _him_. And besides, where would they find someone in short notice that was skilled enough to match _him_? It was impossible. Even that girl with the swimmer coach dad in their class couldn't find anyone who was up to _his_ par, not even anyone from their old elementary swim club. And it wasn't like they could swim a mixed relay, not at a high school event.

"So?"

"_So_, don't you think it's been long enough?" Rin asked, but something in his voice…there was an ache and Haruka couldn't really place it, but suddenly he was annoyed.

"Has it been long enough about your father?" He should have felt bad for saying that. It was way below the belt, impractically low, but it wasn't fair that he had a limit to mourn and Rin was allowed to carry his father's death like a battle scar.

Haruka could hear the twist of pain and anger in Rin's voice. "That's different."

"It's not," Haruka muttered sullenly. He watched his fingers clench. "I have the same right as you do to mourn. Maybe even more so. I knew _him_ longer than you knew your father."

Haruka was fairly certain that he was digging himself a deeper hole and maybe he was actually provoking Rin on purpose. He wasn't entirely sure. Nothing was clear anymore. Everything was muddy.

His shirt was grabbed and Rin was actually lifting him like a doll, which was impressive since Haruka had gone limp. His feet, though, were still on the ground, but that wouldn't have mattered if Rin, angry, angry Rin, let him go. Those bloody eyes blazed and for a moment, Haruka was afraid that he was going to be eaten. An absurd thought, but that pointy scowl and the way his nose was scrunched up, it was looking at an angry tiger. His mouth twitched. A tiger shark.

"Do you find that _funny_, Nanase?" Rin growled with now both fists balled up in the other's shirt. He must have noticed the mouth twitch. "Do you find it funny that my dad died in the same event that caused _Makoto's_ greatest fear?"

The name caused Haruka to freeze and his eyes were suddenly wide and terrified.

Rin said the word. He said _his_ name.

_It wasn't fair_.

Rin, though, wasn't done. "Do you find it funny that one of the most important things in my life was taken the same way one of the most important things in _your_ life was? Do you think it's funny that _neither_ of us can get over it? Do you find it absolutely _hilarious_ that _Makoto_ isn't around to protect you anymore?"

Haruka wanted him to stop saying the name. He was willing to beg for him to stop. But nothing came out of his open mouth. Not even a scream of pain from the stabs to his chest.

"_Makoto's_ gone. _My dad's_ gone. And neither of us will get over it," Rin continued, disregarding the way Haruka was suddenly trembling. "But the way you're acting? It's a pathetic picture of what Makoto so carefully tried to protect. Do you think Makoto would be happy to see how you are? Do you think he would want you to be this way? Well, I bloody don't think so."

Unceremoniously, Rin's fists disappeared from his shirt and Haruka crumpled to the ground, wide eyes set on the other's shoes. There was a thudding in his ears. He didn't know where it came from. It just went thump-thump-thump and pounded ceaselessly on his eardrums, deadening the already dull world. It wasn't that he thought that his actions would make _him_ happy. He knew that _he_ would be sad if he saw him. But it just didn't feel right without _him_. Life wasn't happy without _him_. It didn't mean anything without _him_.

Something caught his attention, a soft sound that came through the thump-thump-thump and he lifted his face to look at Rin. It shouldn't surprise him to see the tears in the other's eyes; Rin was a crybaby, after all. But what caused them confused him. The redhead didn't have the right to be upset about _him_, not like he did. However, Rin's tears only egged on his own tears and Haruka had to look away before his were seen. He had been safe in the numbness and yet…_and yet_…

"I…" Haruka's voice cracked and he gulped furiously to calm the trembling of his lips. "I don't…" But whatever else he was going to say was lost in the lump in his throat.

Blessedly, Rin's voice wasn't any steadier than his. "You don't what? You don't _what_, Haru?"

"I…" he gasped and he hated how his mouth wouldn't work and his saliva felt like gum and his tongue stuck to the roof of this mouth. "I don't think…that…"

"What? You don't think that Makoto would want you to act this way?" It wasn't fair that Rin could form coherent sentences with a wobbly voice but Haruka was having trouble just breathing.

He shuddered at _his_ name. "Y…Yes."

There was silence after that. If Rin had left, Haruka probably wouldn't have noticed. His eyes were unfocused, not seeing what was in front of him, as the tears leaked out, crawling down his cheeks like languid little kittens. He wanted to make _him_ happy, but how could he when _he_ wasn't here? What had made _him_ happy? What had Haruka done that put that smile on _his_ face? He didn't know. _He didn't know_. What had…what had they done together? Why couldn't he remember? It hurt too much to think of _him_ and what they did and how they used to be. There was a knife in his chest and it twisted a fraction more with every memory he dredged up. They swam…right? They played video games…right? Walked? Picnics? Gone to the beach? He couldn't remember.

_It wasn't fair._

A noise caught his attention. At first he thought Rin was sobbing or laughing or coughing or _something_ and then he realized Rin was repeating a name. Instinctively, his body reacted to it, flinching against the syllables, trembling at the sounds. Fingers again went to his head, where they buried themselves into his scalp, heels of his palms against his ears, teeth gritted, eyes shut tight against the noise. He didn't want to hear it. Because…Because then he would remember and it would hurt and the numbness would be gone. And he would scream.

"Makoto."

And wail.

"Makoto."

And do something drastic.

"_Tachibana Makoto_."

"_STOP IT._" His voice was loud, almost hysterical. He had to stop Rin before his seems came undone. Eyes opened and crazed, he stared at his former friend, his rival, his _enemy_ for what seemed like forever before speaking. "Don't say _his name_."

"Why?"

_Why_? Such a simple question for such a complex answer. Haruka didn't know where to begin. If he heard the name anymore, he would lose control. How could he tell Rin that _his_ name made him come apart? How could he tell him that that three syllable name caused him so much pain? That because _he_ was gone he couldn't even speak _his_ name for fear that he would go into hysterics? Where did Rin get the nerve to even ask such a blatant and…_arrogant_ question? It was his own damn business whether or not he wanted to hear his friend's name, wasn't it? It was his own business whether or not he wanted to suffer at the sound. Where did he get the nerve?

"You don't…need to know," Haruka grumbled, averting his eyes. "Just…stop saying _his_ name."

"Honestly, you're _pathetic_," Rin sneered, any kindness he had been attempting to show gone from his voice. "I mean, really, and I thought _I_ was bad."

Haruka whipped his head around, glaring at the redhead. "Considering you're _still_ hung up on-."

"Forget about me." The other boy looked pained again and, reluctantly, he backed down, eyes averted again as he furiously blinked away the tears. Honestly, he really didn't know what was wrong with him. He wanted to be numb. So why was he trying to provoke Rin? "I'm dealing with it in my own way. But you…"

He returned his gaze to Rin, back to that strained expression that looked like he was just barely keeping himself intact. _He_ used to say that he and Rin were similar, but Haruka didn't see it. Sure, both of them enjoyed swimming, but it was for very different reasons and, really, Haruka only just realized how much it meant to swim _with_ people. Rin…Rin swam only for himself. But _his_ smiling face came up into his mind and then he remembered how close _he_ and Rin had been as children and that look on Rin's face made sense, at least a little. He had thought, though, that the redhead hated them. But…could it be…that Rin…actually still cared?

But using _his_ name was too much and Haruka shut down that frivolous thought. Rin was only looking for a way to redeem himself.

_It wasn't fair_.

Unsteadily, Haruka stood, aware that the day was getting on and wondering where the rest of his team had gone. This had happened so often, so frequently, that he was no longer bothered by the lapses of time that occurred when he went into one of his debilitating episodes of grief. Usually, however, he could sink back down into the numb, in that lack of emotion and pain, and pretend for a little while that _he_ was only on a trip and was coming back.

Or that Haruka would be meeting _him_ soon.

His footsteps were shaky and uneven, as if he was drunk, and he only managed a couple of stumbled steps before Rin was holding him in place. The hand on his arm was big but not the right size, and it was too hot, not warm, and just felt wrong. _His_ grip was strong, but not this strong, or at least not when he used it to grab him. Haruka just wanted to get away and return to the numb. The ocean was calling.

"You're not dealing with it, Haru."

He knew that. It was obvious, wasn't it?

"Ma-He wouldn't want you to be this way."

Playing nice now, Rin? Unfair.

"Haru, you can't continue living like this."

He could bloody well try, couldn't he?

"Not when there are people worrying about you."

Haruka frowned, head twitching towards Rin so that one murky blue eye was looking at the other. There was a faint blush on Rin's cheeks and he looked like he wanted to take back what he just said, but his resolution shone in his eyes and he plowed on.

"I know that…that I've been an ass, but…I…only just remembered what I lost and I…it was hard enough learning that Makoto was…" Haruka flinched, but Rin was no longer paying attention. His hair was covering his eyes and he was speaking in a voice just audible. "If you…if you follow after Makoto…how do you think we would feel? How would Nagisa and Gou and Makoto's family feel? How do you think _I_ would feel?"

His eyes widened and Haruka was confused. "Rin…?"

"Haru…losing someone precious is…excruciating…but…they wouldn't want you to stop living." Rin's voice was particularly gruff and he remembered that funeral so long ago where _his_ fear of the sea began and they had first met that Matsuoka siblings. "You have to fight through it, Haru. Or you'll drown."

Drown. He would drown? Drown in the numbness, yes. He would like that though. That's what he had been doing for the past weeks. Sinking deeper and deeper into the smothering, suffocating, soothing numbness. Because then the pain would be gone and it would be nice and maybe, maybe, he could see _him_ again. Except…

Haruka looked at Rin, twisting his head to see the other's face, and felt something at the gritted teeth and the tightly shut eyes. Rin hadn't been a friend since he returned from Australia. He had always been a rival and even as children, he was always the aggressor. But…_he_ had liked him, so Haruka had grudgingly accepted him, because winning the relay had been…fun. But Haruka was afraid to let go of the numbness. He couldn't bear to lose hold of it because then he would be swept out to the sea of grief that was just under his feet. It was like he was treading water and if he stopped, if he relaxed, he would drown in emotions.

It was better to drown in numbness than lose control.

It was better to wrap himself in a protective blanket of aloofness and uncaring then let the tightly-capped bottle go.

Because the message in that bottle wasn't a pleasant one and if Haruka let it out, he could never go back.

Rin's hand was shaking and Haruka at first thought Rin was crying, but then he realized that the person shaking was him. He was the one trembling because the fear of those emotions, the pain of losing _him_, everything was so close to the surface and Rin's admission didn't help. How was he supposed to fight it when he was afraid? How did he keep on living when he didn't even know _how_?

His voice was small and wavering when he finally spoke. "I…don't know how…to fight."

Rin looked up, eyes watery, face surprised, but Haruka continued, eyes now roving back and forth, looking for an escape.

"I don't know how to live without…without…" He shook his head. "I don't know how to fight. I just…I don't want to feel anything. Because it hurts too much. He's…He's gone, Rin. And I…how do I…how have I…? I don't know what to do without him. I don't want to live without him."

Haruka could feel the panic rising inside of him and gulped air, trying to get enough to keep from hyperventilating. His chest felt ragged, like it was being furiously ripped apart. The emotions were building, building to a point where he was afraid he wouldn't be able to take it. This isn't what he wanted. He wanted to drown in numbness, not be pulled apart by the undertow of emotions.

Tears ran down his cheeks and he was unaware, too frightened to think of life without _him_. He didn't even know how he had been living for that past weeks? It had been weeks, right? It was almost September, or so Rin had said, so it had been weeks…right? It made his head spin. How had he survived so long? Without _him_? Without…Without…

_Makoto_.

A dam opened. His lips trembled and the tears just overflowed again. "I don't want to live without Makoto. It's not fair. _It's not fair_. How could…? It was my fault. If I hadn't…if I…if only…then he…then Makoto…then…"

But Haruka couldn't form the words, his sobs garbling too much of what he was saying. It felt like Rin had let him go, but in his distress, he needed to feel a comforting presence and, while Rin wouldn't really be someone he would call "comforting", he was the closest physically at that moment, so Haruka grabbed his jacket and refused to let go. It wasn't fair.

_Makoto. MakotoMakotoMakotoMakoto._

A tentative hand gently touched his head and Haruka coughed, trying to take in breaths between his wails and sobs. He wondered how disturbed Rin was at his behavior, but that was trivial compared to the pressure in his chest and the burning in his lungs and the stupid way his hear thudded against his ribcage. Makoto was gone. And he didn't know what to do.

"It'll be okay." Rin's voice was uncharacteristically soft and kind, better than it had been before. "Haru. It'll be _okay_."

Haruka wanted to doubt him, wanted to yell at him that he was wrong and a liar, wanted to do something drastic, but he believed the words that he was sure someone had said to him before. It just…from Rin it actually sounded like it might be the truth. Because Rin lost someone precious too…so…so…

It still wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Haruka was left while Makoto was gone. It wasn't fair that Makoto had been lost to what Haruka had loved so much. It wasn't fair that he couldn't hold onto his grief, but Rin was right. He was wasting away in grief and that's not what Makoto would have wanted. So…it was time. Time to leave the numbness and start living the way that Makoto wanted him to.

It was just…going to be a little hard and would take some time.

But hopefully…maybe…_possibly_…Rin might just be there to help, even just a little.

It wasn't fair…but…Haruka had to move forward.

Or he wouldn't be free.

* * *

I don't usually write fics like this, but it was kicking me in the face and I'm truly sorry.


	2. Bubbles

**2. Bubbles**

There were bubbles around him, full of precious, precious, precious air, and he couldn't grab them. They slipped from his fingers as he clawed the water, panicking as the current tugged his body this way and that. When they had arrived at the beach, it had been sunny, bright even, but now everything was gloomy, but that could have been his current surroundings. It was cold and dark where he was. Chills shook his body, but he was numb to it, focusing more on moving his arms and legs. His limbs felt like lead, though, and he struggled, struggled, struggled to get to the surface. His lungs ached and burned, but each attempt to swim felt harder and harder than the attempt before. It was like he was swimming in concrete. No matter how hard or fast he pumped his limbs, he wasn't getting anywhere.

Ultimately, he couldn't move anymore.

His arms and legs felt so tired and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't swim. Salt water stung his nose and eyes and he regretted not putting on his goggles. But he hadn't had time to grab them, let alone put them on, not if he had wanted to help. Someone in middle school accused him of having a bleeding heart and he had been confused at the time, but now it was all so clear why he had been accused of that. He had risked his life for someone he didn't even know and here he was. Sinking fast in the deep, dark water as his limbs failed him. How quaint it was that this was happening. He felt like he should be scared out of his mind, terrified even, but he was just calm.

That scared him.

This was his nightmare, his fear turned real, even worse than the training camp, and yet all he felt was calm. He didn't know why; he should be panicking or hoping for a savior, but he was doing neither. Because he doubted Haru was coming for him. It wasn't like him, he who always looked on the bright side, but he just didn't think he could make it. How could he? He had swum out immediately when he saw the child fall from the rocks. He didn't know the boy, but all he could think of was what if it was his brother? How would he feel if no one saved him? He felt grateful he had helped the boy, but he…

There were more bubbles and he wasn't sure where they were coming from. The water didn't really hurt his eyes anymore and he could see the faint light above him. If he had strength, he would swim to it, but all he could do was a faint twitch of his fingers. It seemed so far away, that light and the bubbles spiraling towards it. The navy blue sucked him down, down, down and he felt weird. Maybe it was the lack of oxygen or maybe it was something else entirely, but he felt…at peace. He was drowning and he felt serene.

For the first and last time in his life, Makoto was okay with being in the ocean.

It was completely different when he was training. His friends had been within arm distance from him and they had made sure that each other would be safe. He had still been afraid, but it was manageable when everyone was so close. But right now, as he was surely sinking to his death, he couldn't help finding that he was okay being in the water. It was like he was meeting that great hidden sea beast he always feared was there and he welcomed its cold embraces. It was wrong, he knew; he should have been fighting, but he was so tired and the bubbles were disappearing, disappearing, disappearing. He wondered how far he had sunk. Would he fall to the bottom of the sea? Would he be eaten by a shark? Would anyone find his body?

_"How morbid," _he thought, watching the flickering light from above. It was there and then it was dark and he wondered if oxygen deprivation was setting in. _"Ah…Haru will be angry with me…"_

He attempted to swim again because Haru would be upset with him, but nothing responded. Muscles locked and cramped, but he couldn't move, could only sink slowly, slowly, slowly to that hidden sea beast.

_"Ahh…what a predicament…"_

Was it getting colder? Yes, the ocean temperature dropped the deeper you got. Nagisa told him that. The bubbles were almost gone too. Spots popped before his eyes and he thought that maybe they were fish, but he couldn't outright tell. Was the light gone as well?

He couldn't see.

He thought of his family, of his friends, of the things he had wanted to do. Well, there was one thing he could scratch of the list. He had gotten over his fear. It was in a rather twisted and sick way, but he had managed to. Though this isn't how he had wanted to go, as poetic as it was. The fearful swimming captain drowning. Had he always been this sarcastic?

He couldn't feel anything.

If something or someone had taken his hands then, he wouldn't have felt anything. He was sure someone could have chopped off his arms and he would have just smiled and continued to sink. Numbness didn't begin to describe what he was feeling. It was a complete lack of sensation in his limbs and skin.

There were no more bubbles.

Makoto accepted the fact that he was going to die.

He had no regrets, except for a few, like not getting Haru to get more nutritiously or not being as good a captain as he could have been. Simple things that he was sure his friends would think trivial, but meant something to him. He wished he could have apologized before going, but nothing really went the way people wanted it do, did it?

_"I'm sorry, everyone…sorry that I probably ruined our chances at regionals…sorry about being so selfish…sorry…Haru…"_

He still couldn't see and he still couldn't feel, but there was…something, like a sixth sense that told him someone was close. But whoever that person was didn't know that the sea beast had already claimed him as they pulled away his body from the depths.

Even if his body was taken to shore, Makoto wasn't coming back with it.

And he was sorry for that.

His head broke the surface, he thought so at least, because it was a lighter sensation or so he thought. He was barely aware of anything. Not the boat he was hoisted onto or the person frantically calling his name or the other voices joining him. Not the CPR or the defibrillator or the shouts or the wails. Nothing was there for him and it was just dark, dark, dark, but then there was a light, so bright and then he felt sad.

But he took the ghostly hand offered to him and left, though as he did so, he took one last look at his heartbroken friends and whispered,

"I'm sorry. Take care. It'll be okay."

* * *

This chapter was always meant to be much shorter than the other two.  
God, this chapter was painful to write, but it came so easily, that's why it's here now.


	3. Orca

I hope you enjoy the final chapter of "It Doesn't Mean Anything Without You". This chapter is happier than the previous two.

* * *

**3. Orca**

Haruka had had a dream a few days before autumn term and after his breakdown with Rin. It had been nothing special, just an endless beach from some tropical paradise and a great big expanse of bright blue water. It had been a nice dream and, for the first time in those numb weeks, he had been happy. It had been such a simple dream, but after constant waking nightmares of storms and dead green eyes, it had been nice to have something so bright. Especially after his long time spent in his gray reality, where he was only just managing to keep it together and was struggling with acceptance.

It had almost been like he could feel the sun on his skin and he had relished the feeling, though he had wondered where his feet had been taking him. The sand had been warm on his toes and he had been tempted to smile. He could have done that there. No one would have seen him. His feet had taken him to a plain green and white umbrella and Haruka had been confused. He had felt like he had had this dream a number of times before, but never had there been an umbrella or anything else indicating humanity. It had always been just him and the water. Usually his dreams, if he had any, had involved swimming and nothing else. Maybe mackerel on days he had been hungry before bed. But not that time. There had been an innocuous umbrella with an unpainted Adirondack chair positioned so that Haruka couldn't see if anyone was sitting in it from his vantage point.

His feet had taken him no closer and he had felt even more bewildered over why he was stopping now. He had had gone this far, why not just go and sit in the chair? In the next moment, he had found out why he hadn't moved. Someone had been occupying the unpainted lounge chair under that innocent green and white umbrella. They had stood in front of him in nothing, but orange and yellow swim trunks and there had been a gentle smile on their face.

He remembered his heart had thudded loudly.

He remembered that something akin to a whine had escaped his throat.

Haruka had then broken into a run as soon as he had registered _his_ presence. His momentum had led to him tumbling into a clumsy hug with the person, tears already running down his face as he had squeezed _him_ tightly to himself.

"Makoto. _Makoto_," he had gasped, great heaving sobs raising his shoulders as he had shook. He hadn't expected to find _him_ there. It had been like some god had decided that he had suffered enough.

Even though it had been a dream, it had felt like Makoto was right there. His skin had been warm against his and a faint, faint rise and fall of his chest had made it seem like he was actually alive. In terms of dreams, it had been the best one of Haruka's life. Even better than the one where he had actually because part of the water. There had even been the faint smell of Makoto, something like fresh air and home cooked meals and the faint scent of apple soap. Haruka still didn't know how long he had clung to the dream Makoto, crying softly against the other's neck, arms trembling as they stayed encircled around the other's broad chest.

He had been sure at one point that the dream was going to set him back, return him to the time of episodic fetal positions and gray neutrality, and he might have been okay with that, as long as he was allowed to spend as much time as possible with this wondrous, glorious dream. He had felt a gentle hand on his head, petting it in that familiar soothing manner, and Haruka hadn't been sure if he had let out a happy sigh or a purr. Either way, he had heard Makoto's familiar indulgent chuckle and a smile had finally, _finally_ broken out upon his face.

With great pains, Haruka had extracted himself from Makoto, keeping his hands on the other's arms to make sure that the dream didn't take him away. Everything had looked the same as the last time he had seen him alive. Those green eyes had been warm and caring, that gentle smile curving up his lips, and his messy tea-colored hair had been as messy and windswept as ever. That had been what Makoto was supposed to look like: warm days and sunshine and home. He had never been meant to look like that cold and stiff cadaver.

Haruka's voice had been meek when he asked, "I have to wake up from this, don't I?"

Makoto's answering smile had been both sad and amused. "Eventually, yes."

His face had contorted into a pout or something similar because it had caused Makoto to laugh and give him that over indulgent look that he had seen so many times before. He had really not wanted the dream to end, but he had known it would eventually and as much as he had wanted to milk it for what it was worth, he had been sure there was a reason that Makoto had appeared then after all that time.

So he had gotten control of his pout, though his lips had still trembled, and had managed to ask, "Why are you here?"

"To check up on you before…" Makoto had trailed off and Haruka had just _known_ that he had been about to say "before he moved on".

"I miss you," he had mumbled. He hadn't been able to meet Makoto's eyes anymore.

"I miss you too," had been the response and then a soft plea, "Haru, look at me."

Reluctantly, he had obeyed and somehow hadn't been surprised at the tears in the other's eyes. If anything, it had made him feel better that Makoto had also been crying. Rin was a crybaby, but Makoto had cried just as much.

"I…don't know where to start," Makoto had said, looking a little sheepish, sniffling slightly. He had raised an arm to wipe at his face and Haruka had stubbornly hung on, his hand moving to different parts of the limb as Makoto had moved it until it was finally back in its starting place. Haruka had been determined not to let him go, no matter how fleeting that dream may have been.

"The beginning is good," he had responded and he had gotten a snort at that.

"Yes, that is true." Green eyes had crinkled at that, glittering with all that lost kindness and warmth. He had sighed, running a hand through his hair. (Haruka's hand had stayed on his elbow. Again.) "Um…so, I don't know how long I have so…well, I'm…I'm glad you got out of that…funk."

Haruka hadn't said anything, but vivid, or more like dull, images of that time after _the event_ had flashed behind his eyes like old television clips. From Makoto's tone, he had been able to tell that the other had been worried, really worried, about him. Some things just never changed. He had waited for him to continue.

"And I…I know it's going to be hard for you…but so far…you've been doing really well," Makoto had continued, blushing lightly and looking down at their feet. "So I…it's selfish of me, but I…it's time for me to move on, but I just had to see you one last time and make sure that…that you'd be able to handle it and…"

"Makoto." His friend had looked up at him and Haruka had done his best to smile. "I…I understand. I…may take a bit, but…I'm able to say your name now, so…"

"Haru…" His face had brightened in that well-known way.

Haruka had taken a breath. "So…sit with me? Until…until the dream ends."

His grip had tightened on the other's arms and he might have held his breath in anticipation before one of the most beautiful smiles he had ever seen graced Makoto's face. He had nodded and Haruka had been sure he was going to cry again, but he had managed a mostly neutral expression as he dragged them under the umbrella, disregarding the chair for the sand. They hadn't said anything after that, only sat in silence, enjoying the other's presence. He had felt that if he had spoken the dream would break and he would wake up without saying goodbye. He had been thankful that their relationship had been made up with many comfortable silences and this one had been no different.

However, it had seemed to end way too fast and, when he had felt himself waking, he had clung to Makoto's hand in a panic. He hadn't wanted the dream to end because he had known that another like it wasn't going to happen again. Not with such lucidity or clarity. The tears had returned and they were overflowing from his eyes as he tried to speak, tried to say goodbye. But Makoto had seemed to understand what he had been trying to do. In return, he had received that heart-breaking smiling and a whispered, "It'll be okay, Haru" and then he had awoke in his bed, staring with tears in his eyes at the ceiling.

He had remained frozen, breath uneven before he had gritted his teeth and decided then and there that it was time to stop.

He was going to make himself free.

* * *

Nine years had passed since then and Haruka had indeed made himself free, though maybe not in the way everyone had expected.

He hadn't become a professional swimmer, though he had continued to participate in competitive swimming in both high school and college, but instead went a different direction. It still involved water, but when he had told the others what his career choice was, he had gotten quite a few reactions, like Nagisa had immediately asked about penguins and, in contrast, Rin had exploded at him.

Haruka had decided to become a marine biologist.

He had also thought of being an oceanographer or something similar, but he figured a marine biologist would be closer to the water. Besides, he could swim in the ocean all he wanted, especially considering how even more entangled the ocean had become in his mind with Makoto. It was a bittersweet mix, but he couldn't help feeling drawn to the ocean and Makoto had told him it would be all right, so here he was, sitting on the edge of a dock in his hometown and waiting for a certain someone to come.

The water was cool on his skin, especially under the hot son, and he put a hand over his eyes as he looked over the expanse of water. His visitor was late, though there was never really a set schedule, but he was later than usual. Still, the day was pleasant, if not hot, and Haruka leaned back on his hands. He would come when he would come; maybe he had already stopped to eat? Sometimes he did that and he only came to play afterwards. He was funny that way. Haruka smiled a little. It would be a little bittersweet to see him today, especially considering it was the anniversary of _that_.

Footsteps were coming towards him and he didn't pay them any heed, figuring that they were either his senior or his fellow newbie, but they stopped behind him. Tilting his head back and lifting a hand to shade his eyes, he squinted at the figure silhouetted against the bright sky. It took him a moment, though he knew that form, and he returned his gaze to the ocean with a soft sigh of recognition.

"Hello, Rin," he greeted, returning to his vigil.

He heard Rin huff at the lackluster greeting and the redhead took a seat next to him, shoes clutched in one hand. "I still can't believe you became a _scientist_ of all things."

"I get to be in the ocean all the time, though," Haruka responded, narrowing his eyes. Was there something in the distance?

Rin groaned, lifted a knee his chest. The other continued to dangle in the water, next to Haruka's. Huffily, he asked, "Are you waiting for someone?"

Lips twitching at the sight of something in the distance, Haruka said casually, "I'm waiting for Makoto."

Rin did a number of things, of which included coughing after he sharply inhaled, attempting to say something that started with "What are you", and violently turning towards him as if he was going to punch him. He did, however, grab Haruka's shoulders and forcefully turn the other man towards him. Crimson eyes met blue and Haruka took in the shocked and scared face before he puffed out a soft snort. Instantly, Rin was angry and pushed him away in disgust.

"That's _not_ funny!" he growled, crossing his arms sullenly as Haruka continued to laugh softly. "Really, stop it."

He tried, but he continued to laugh, considering he technically _wasn't_ lying. It was just he was talking about a completely different Makoto this time around. This Makoto was similar to their Makoto, but this one didn't have green eyes or soft tea-colored hair or anything else like their Makoto. He saw the dark shape coming closer and he smiled.

"Do you want to meet Makoto?" Haruka asked, slipping off his sweatshirt. Rin frowned at him, looking uncertainly from him to the water before sharply gasping.

Turning his head and adjusting his goggles over his eyes, he smiled at the tall dark dorsal fin cutting through the water and dropped from the dock to ocean. For a moment, he was suspended underwater and everything was deep blue and mysterious and he could hear Makoto's greeting and then his head broke the surface and lifted his goggles from his eyes as he swam in place. The large dark body emerged next to him, all black and white and wet, and Haruka heard Rin curse in surprise, muttering about him should have knowing.

Their Makoto was a "killer whale" after all. So why shouldn't the new Makoto be one?

In fact, Haruka and his fellow marine biologists on their research boat had been watching out for and taking care of Makoto ever since they found him a few months ago. The orca hadn't been much to look at then, looking a little too lean and having no pod to speak of, but the moment he found them, those sad lonely clicks he had been admitting had changed. None of them could explain why, especially since they were three humans and couldn't even talk with the young orca, who couldn't have been more than three or four years old, but the cetacean didn't stray too far from where they were anchored at any given point.

When he did wander off, Makoto was always quick to return and was usually clicking away to announce his presence as more often than not they had their underwater microphone on. There were numerous times, though, that he would sneak up on them and no one realized it until bubbles were around them. Haruka's fellow newbie had even gotten to witness Makoto hunting a stingray, though she had been terrified at the possibility of the stingray stabbing him with its barb. However, here he was now, clicking a greeting at Haruka, and the dark-haired man was smiling warmly at the orca. He liked to think that the new Makoto was their Makoto's reincarnation. Not that he told anyone his thoughts, but it was a guilty pleasure nonetheless.

Looking back up at Rin, his lips twitched into what could be a smile, albeit a small one, at the shocked expression on the other's face. He rubbed the orcas side, tilting his head inquisitively.

"What's wrong?" It was a simple question and all Rin did was gape at him before getting his mouth to work.

"T-That's a killer whale," he stammered, pointing at the rather large creature.

"And?"

"Y-You _named_ it?"

Haruka huffed, frowning. "Well, yes. He's always around us, so we figured we should name him _something_, especially for recording purposes. So, Makoto."

Rin rubbed his mouth, still staring with wide eyes before repeating, "Makoto."

"Yes."

"Is there…" A look passed over Rin's face and was suddenly holding his head. "You named him that because Makoto was called a killer whale back in the SC."

Lifting a shoulder in a shrug, but still half smiling, Haruka let the other man think over the simplicity of his naming sense. He wasn't wrong; that had been the exact reason behind the young killer whale's name, so he wasn't going to dignify it with an obvious response. If anything, Rin should feel proud of Haruka for actually allowing something as precious as Makoto's name to be used. He didn't know how many times in the past nine years he had shied away from something for just having that name. There had been a girl in his freshman biology class in college named simply "Mako" and he had avoided her as much as possible. It was a bad habit and he was sure that Makoto was frowning at his behavior, or had been, if he still believed that idea of reincarnation, but it had been a natural defensive maneuver.

And yet, he was able to freely say the name, as long as it was only tacked onto their Makoto. If it was anyone else, he shied away. Sometimes he still had dreams, dreams not nightmares, of _that_ and he would be under the weather for the day, but he no longer woke up sweating from nightmares of green eyes and storms. So Rin should be proud of him. Makoto would be, at least a little bit. He was getting there, practically was there, and he was quite proud of his accomplishment.

Haruka was free, or as near as he could possibly get, and that made him happy.

Makoto nudged his side and the marine biologist smiled at his charge, rubbing the orca's head caringly. He couldn't afford to be down all the time, not with such a cute charge to take care of, even if he did get help. However, as much as he wanted to stay with Makoto, today was special and there was a reason why Rin was here. He was fairly sure why, too. Scratching gently at the base of the orca's dorsal fin, Haruka murmured a soft goodbye and left a faint kiss on the cetacean's side before grabbing the dock. He could usually lift himself quite easily, but today Rin, with his ridiculous muscled arms, practically dragged him out of the water. Obviously, the redhead was getting impatient. So Haruka spent time making sure that his arm hadn't been pulled of the socket.

Rin made a disgusted noise and shoved his sweatshirt at him. "Will you hurry? Don't you want to make it on time?"

"I think I should shower," Haruka responded, having a little too much fun teasing Rin. He was glad he could do such a thing on a day like this.

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind," Rin remarked and it was then that Haruka noticed that the other man was dressed: a red and white tracksuit with a black T-shirt. Now that he noticed, there was a faint smell of chlorine coming from him. Obviously, he wasn't the only one who was spending way too much time at his job.

His lips quirked in a smile and Haruka headed back to the boat. "Looks like you lost track of time."

"Where are you going?" Rin asked in exasperation, following nonetheless.

Soft splashes indicated that Makoto was too.

"To at least dry off," was the response as the dark-haired man disappeared into the vessel. He was sorely tempted to continue annoying Rin, if only by taking even more time, but he was aware that they were going to be late as it was, so as much as he wanted to soak, he had to suffer with a shower at the most and then he was towel drying as he dressed. He had much practice with the minute-long getting dressed routine, thanks to those countless times in high school.

Once he emerged in what he hoped would be acceptable, which was really only a pair of a jeans he didn't know he had and a T-shirt advocating some kind of band Nagisa had gotten him, but then he remembered Rin was in a _tracksuit_ and he didn't worry anymore, Rin gave him a rather hard eye roll at his attire, though he did self-consciously pick at the hem of his jacket. Haruka's lips twitched and he felt horrible for thinking it, but if anything good had happened after _the event_, then it was that he and Rin had managed to at least get on pretty good terms. Makoto would be very happy; he had always liked Rin, after all, and was just as sad as Haruka when the redhead had all but rejected them back then.

On their way from the boat, they past Haruka's senior who greeted them with a faint, knowing nod and remarked that he would watch out for Makoto. Haruka nodded in response, though he was certain said killer whale was still following him, to which Rin pointed out after another couple feet.

"He'll beach himself," Rin remarked, stopping and staring at the orca. He swam just close enough to the dock that if Rin jumped, he would land on him. "Doesn't he scare the fish?"

Haruka paused, thinking over his answer. "We…asked the fishermen about it and they said that as long as he doesn't hunt, they're okay with him. And orcas intentionally beach themselves to hunt, actually."

"What is he going to hunt _here_?" Rin grumbled and he had a point. There weren't any seals on the beaches here.

Again, he paused and he turned to look at the orca, looking almost forlorn as he watched Haruka leave. He thought about what he used to say to Makoto before he left his house and felt weird, but said to the orca anyway, "I'm off."

He knew Rin was giving him a funny look, but Makoto clicked happily and dove back into the water, heading towards the boat. That made him smile and he was struck again by the thought that maybe, just maybe, their Makoto had been reincarnated. It was a silly thought, it always had been, but he just couldn't help hoping that maybe it was true. After all, no matter how much he accepted it, he still missed Makoto. He probably always would; at least, it wasn't as debilitating as it had been. He could hold his head high and look forward without a flinch or reflexive glance to his side.

That was how he had made himself free.

Taking a breath, inhaling the scent of the ocean and sunshine, Haruka was now the one hurrying Rin, speeding past the tall man in an unspoken challenge. As per their usual encounters, Rin readily accepted, matching his light jog easily. They continued at the easy pace and Haruka couldn't help wondering at the day. It was bright and gorgeous, all sunshine and soft breezes and a faint whisper of a passing shower maybe. It was a kind day, a gentle day. It fit because it was just like Makoto. There was no irony or unhappiness in his heart at that thought. The scenery and weather just fit too well.

By the time they had reached the gates of the cemetery, their family and friends were already gathered, waiting patiently for them. A warm feeling spread through his chest and he gave a faint smile before softly apologizing, but the apology was waved off, as he knew it would be, and they entered. A hand took his, the same hand from _the event_, and he smiled in encouragement at Ran before tightening his resolve. No matter how much he accepted it, he still got a little weak on this day, the gray, feverish memories welling up the closer they got to that memorial.

Three feet now. His hands didn't get clammy this time, but Ran's tightened on his and he squeezed back.

Two feet. One year, maybe his sophomore year of college if he remembered correctly, he had drawn a portrait of Makoto from memory and had brought it with him. He hadn't been sure it was perfect, but Mrs. Tachibana had choked at the sight of it and he knew that his memory hadn't been flawed.

One foot. The memorial had been cleaned by someone, that was easy to see, and under the offering already placed was a note from Coach Sasabe. Haruka's lips quirked into a half smile at that. Even when the coach said he couldn't come, he still managed to do so.

They stopped in front of the grave. Ran's hand trembled, but when he looked at her, her face was set and she took her hand from his. With deliberate actions, she took the little offering from her mother and gently placed it next to Coach Sasabe's. Her voice was quiet, too quiet to hear what she said, but when she stepped away, there was a wobbly smile and strength in her eyes. Haruka felt pride at her courage and then turned to the grave. He dug into his pocket and pulled out a hastily folded paper.

Reaching out, he slid it between two of the offerings and said, "I know. No mackerel this year. But I…I thought some of the data on the research team's Makoto would be just a good."

He didn't add that he brought it because he was sure the orca was Makoto. It was silly enough an idea in his head; saying it out loud only reinforced how silly it was. But still, in his heart, he hoped and when he rejoined Ran, his smile was just as wobbly as hers and they shared a look as she retook his hand, squeezing faintly. Looking back at the grave, watching his friends give their offerings, Haruka couldn't help comparing it to _the event_. He still couldn't call it what it was, but looking now, he decided that would be his next step.

He didn't cry this time, though his eyes were red and wet, and his hand was steady inside Ran's. He remembered thinking at that time, when _the event_ was still fresh, that it didn't mean anything without Makoto. Sometimes he still thought that. However, he was starting to see that, while it was sad without him, that didn't mean the meaning was taken out.

It wasn't fair. Death never was. But he was making himself free.

And he was sure that was all Makoto would care about.

* * *

Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed your time with me and this story. Hopefully, I didn't make too many people sad.

Fun fact: The dream sequence was originally going to be in part two, but it just didn't fit the atmosphere, so I moved it to the beginning of part 3.


End file.
